611 - The Dominoe Effect
Taxi!
There are some New York nights that are monumental...
gigantic, historic.
Others are just Big.
Bet you can't get steaks like this in your little Napa village, can you?
Where do you think this cattle comes from, a ranch on Canal Street?
Well, what we lack in livestock, we make up for in cabs.
Napa has cabs.
Fine, you win. I don't want to fight about it.
Let's fight. Then we can make up.
So what's on your New York agenda?
Making some deals, breaking some hearts?
- Can I tell you a secret? - That's not your real hair?
I'm having a little heart thing done.
What?
They found a blockage so I'm getting an angioplasty.
Simple procedure, no big deal. But I can kiss these goodbye.
Carrie, calm down.
Come on, don't be such a sissy.
It's nothing. They do a million of these a day.
- It's like having your teeth cleaned. - You are so sick.
Miss?
She's fine. Could you bring some extra napkins...
and some violins?
I'm sorry.
Uptown, there was a different kind of dinner being prepared...
with less cholesterol and no tears.
- Oh, my God! - Hey.
However you got in here, I don't care. I applaud you.
Miranda's new neighbor, Dr. Robert Leeds, had quickly become her new boyfriend.
Doctor of all trades.
Magda let me in. She was very excited...
at the idea of someone using your kitchen to prepare food.
Well, it's a first.
- I didn't know you could cook. - I make one thing.
Enchiladas, baby.
Here.
It's spicy.
You can handle it.
Come on.
Oh, my God!
I have placemats?
How am I gonna repay you for all this? I only make Lean Cuisine.
- I have one idea. - Done.
No, it's another idea. But it's related.
Take tomorrow off.
From work?
- I don't do that. - Just think about it. Brady's with his dad.
I don't have to work until 7:00. We can spend the whole day together.
I bet you have a few personal days stored up.
Just think about it.
Truth be told, Miranda had never taken a personal day in her entire career.
Then again, no one had ever made her enchiladas before.
Whoa! Jeez!
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I'm seeing spots.
- Let me take a look at that. - Whoa! Who the hell are you?
What are you doing here?
I forgot Brady's eardrops. What are you doing here?
I took a personal day.
- I'm Robert. - This is Robert.
- I'm a doctor. - He's a doctor and my boyfriend.
I'm sorry. Is it weird that I just called you that?
No, I like it.
Hey, do you wanna help me here, or what?
Let's take this in the bathroom. Can you get us some ice?
Bend your head forward slightly and sit.
So, how long have you two been hanging out?
Oh, about a month.
I was gonna mention it when the time was right.
I was just waiting for the right time.
Keep applying pressure.
- So anyway, this is Steve, Brady's dad. - Good to meet you.
- Oh, my God! Who's watching the baby? - My ma...
- and Debbie. - He should be fine. It's just bruised.
- I'm gonna need a tampon. - What?
What the fuck?
It's a little trick we use at work. And some scissors. Here.
What are you, some nose guy or something?
- No, I'm in sports medicine. - For the Knicks.
Adding insult to injury.
This should do it.
So that pretty much solves the problem...
of how Robert and Steve are going to meet.
I guess I can check that off my list of things to do.
That's horrifying.
I will continue to be horrified by that story all day long.
And poor Steve, he was in such a vulnerable position...
with the sex, and the bloody nose, and the doctor boyfriend.
Well, you won.
- It's not a competition. - You're right.
She's being fucked by a hot, black doctor, and Steve had a tampon up his nose.
No contest.
Okay, I hate to admit this...
but there is part of me that took some pleasure in the whole thing.
Is that terrible?
No, it's not as though you planned it that way.
- Did you? - No!
I'm crazy about Robert.
So why do I even care what Steve thinks?
Because you've been through a lot with him.
Some people just get under your skin and stay there.
- When I saw Big the other night... - Big is in town?
Yeah, he's here for a little heart thing.
What, is he on the wait list to get one?
No, and you're going to feel incredibly bad in a minute.
He's here because he's having heart surgery.
Okay, I'm officially a monster. Please continue.
No, it's okay. It's actually a fairly routine procedure.
They found a blockage.
Honey.
I'm sorry.
This is exactly what happened the other night when he told me.
I know he's gonna be fine, but...
What is going on with me?
Ladies lunching!
Bitsy Von Muffling had recently married cabaret singer Bobby Fine...
known to everyone, but Bitsy, as the gayest gay man alive.
My goodness, look at you.
Can you believe it? Me, pregnant. It's a girl.
Bobby is so excited, he's already got two names picked out.
Judy or Barbara. We're gonna wait to see what she looks like.
I like Judy.
And I owe it all to Dr. Mao. Or as we call him, "Dr. Wow."
Acupuncturistlmiracle-worker.
Seriously, I couldn't take it anymore with the IUls and the IVFs and the l-give-up.
Anyway, then I go to this guy and poof! I'm with child.
Just from going to acupuncture?
I don't know how the hell it works, but this guy could get a cactus pregnant.
Anyway, I've got to run, or shall I say waddle.
- It was great seeing you girls. - Bye.
How is that physically possible? That woman is 50 years old.
And married to a fag.
I have got to go see that Dr. Mao.
- Hello. - Hi.
I have a 3:00 with Dr. Mao.
I said to her, "Go see Dr. Mao."
I know someone who tried for five years and never saw results.
Did she drink the teas religiously?
Tell her to drink them. They're smelly, but they work.
My friend Lois got pregnant on her third visit.
I know a woman who was told she'd never get pregnant. Ever.
Because she wasn't ovulating.
And guess what? She's expecting her fourth this Christmas.
Yes! That's fabulous.
This woman said that the teas and the herbs are really important.
I'm just wondering, because I started fertility treatments with my first husband...
but now I'm remarried. So this woman thought...
Mrs. Goldenblatt, I have all that information.
Let's just concentrate on what we're doing here, in this room.
I'll be back in 20 minutes. Just relax with your own thoughts.
I know a woman who was told she'd never get pregnant. Ever.
Because she wasn't ovulating.
And guess what? She's expecting her fourth this Christmas.
From Eastern medicine on the Upper West Side...
Hello?
...to Western medicine on the Upper East Side.
- Hey, kid. - How are you?
I'm alive!
You asshole!
What did you think, I'd be dead already?
I don't know.
Hospitals scare me.
I'm fine, I'm great. I've never felt better.
Boy, you should have seen your face.
You're such an easy mark.
It's Ruby time.
Ruby's my favorite.
- He says that to all the nurses, doesn't he? - It's a safe assumption.
All right, darling, come on. Up.
That hurts. That's it.
Oh, boy, there she goes again, old waterworks.
- Come on, take it easy. - I'm sorry.
Just ignore me.
So sweet. She's worried about you.
Don't cry. Your husband will be fine.
No, he's not my husband.
Meanwhile, Samantha welcomed Smith back from his movie location with open arms.
Now put your index finger on my clit.
Good, but less pressure.
Okay, now two fingers.
A little higher.
Little bit more to the left.
You feel that ridge?
What, did you take a directing seminar while I was gone?
I did some summer reading.
Okay, now keep your finger there but move your thumb higher.
Higher.
I missed those hands.
So where do you want to eat?
Later, without direction, Smith tried the most intimate hand position of all.
I don't know. What do you feel like?
Sushi, maybe, or Thai.
No, I just had...
Babe?
You okay?
- I have a new sympathy for the disabled. - What happened to you?
I'm fine. I just fell into one of those hatches on the sidewalk. It was stupid.
God, that's my biggest fear. How did that happen?
It was Smith's fault.
He did something to me that was so perverse.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it. He tried to hold my hand.
You mean to tell me that Smith is a hand-holder?
And to think he once served us food.
You laugh, but it's part of a bigger problem.
Do you know that I didn't fuck a single or a married guy...
the whole time Smith was out of town? And I'll tell you something else.
I missed him.
Well, sounds to me like he missed you, too. Hence the deviant behavior.
Like it or not, that little tadpole is wide open and there for you.
Life's short. You might want to consider holding his hand.
Okay, it happened again.
The crying. When I visited Big at the hospital.
That's three times now.
I suggest waterproof mascara.
I finally figured out the only way to have Big in my life...
was to block out certain feelings.
And now every feeling that I ever had is bubbling up all over the place...
with nowhere to go except out my eyeballs.
- What are you gonna do about it? - Nothing.
There's nothing to do. Big is who he is. He's never gonna change.
He's limited and I accept that.
So he'll go back to Napa and I'll go back to not crying. The end.
If it hurts so much, why are we going shopping?
I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit.
Well, come on then. Move that booty.
If New York City's signature fruit is the apple...
then its signature sound is the ambulance siren.
It seems like all day, every day, people are getting hurt...
and the whole city has to hear about it.
But what about the injuries that don't get a siren?
Whether you're falling into a hole in the street...
or possibly falling back in love...
just how dangerous is an open heart?
Hello, Mount Sinai Hospital.
Hi, can I please be connected to Room 817?
Let me see.
That patient left the hospital this morning.
How did you find me?
When you weren't at the morgue, I figured you were at the Four Seasons.
And here you are.
You know, I'd invite you in, sniffles, but I've run out of Kleenex.
Should I call the concierge or did you bring your own?
I'm sorry.
You must have me confused with someone else.
I'm Candy, your candy striper.
Stop. Put your coat back on. Are you trying to kill me?
I can't smoke, I can't drink...
and I can't get excited about anything.
I'm in the union. I know the rules.
It's a damn shame, too, because I love a cute candy stripper.
This isn't about stripping, it's about striping.
It's a complete waste of the hotel room, if you ask me.
What are we gonna do now?
Candy's got a whole bagful of peachy fun in here.
- Oh, goody. - Starting with...
dominoes. Classic and Day-Glo.
Dominoes? Why don't you just take off your dress and kill me now?
Get it over with.
Nobody wins with that kind of attitude.
Meanwhile, across town, another caregiver was taking precautions.
I know, almost done.
Yeah, there we are. Now we're...
Steve might've gotten knocked out the other night...
but Miranda had no idea his girlfriend was a knockout.
- Hey. - Hi, Miranda.
Hello, it's nice...
- Oh, my gosh! - I'm fine.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Miranda.
This is my girlfriend, Debbie.
You sure you're okay? You really came down hard there.
I'm fine, really. Thank you.
Hey there, Brady-licious. Hi.
Oh, good. You're back.
Robert, this is Debbie. And you remember Steve?
Yeah. You sure you're all right, babe? 'Cause I saw you go flying there.
What?
I'm fine. It was nothing.
Robert is just overprotective because he's a doctor...
for the Knicks.
Get out! Did you hear that, Stevie? The Knicks!
Yeah, I know.
What a cool job! That is, like, crazy cool!
Debbie works for MasterCard. Corporate headquarters.
Really? I have a MasterCard.
Steve won't even let me talk on the phone when there's a Knicks game on...
- even if I'm in the other room. - I didn't know you were a Knicks man.
- I follow all the New York teams. - He lives for the Knicks.
One time he took me to a game and our seats were so high up.
What do they call that section?
The nosebleed section.
I can usually scrounge up a few courtside seats, if you're ever interested.
That's okay. I like my seats.
- Take the seats. - I don't need his seats.
Take the seats.
As Miranda and Steve continued needling each other on the playground...
Dr. Mao was busy needling Charlotte in his office.
And this time she was determined to drown out the voices in her head.
I'll be back in about 20 minutes. Just try to relax and find your center.
Unfortunately, she couldn't drown out the voices on the street.
When Charlotte opened her mind to Chinese medicine...
she didn't expect a visit from the Cuban Liberation Front.
Dr. Mao?
Hello?
Dr. Mao, I can't get centered.
Is there a quieter room? I'm trying to relax and find my center...
but I just can't do that with all this noise.
This city will never quiet down.
You're going to have to learn to block out that New York noise...
and listen only to yourself.
Charlotte was beginning to think that the solution to her problem...
wasn't finding her center, but finding some earplugs.
No, the actors were cool, the location was great.
The whole thing was off the hook.
- But, man, I missed you. - Look...
I know where you want to put your hand...
and I'm sorry, but I'm just not that kind of girl.
Samantha, I like you. You like me.
I've had enough of this horseshit. Just fucking hold my hand.
Fine, but only until my foot heals.
And that's how Samantha lost her virginity to Smith.
You've got too many on that end and they're crooked.
Especially those last four.
Hey, I'm doing all the heavy lifting here. You're sitting there like a log.
I'm in recovery.
Excuses, excuses.
And they're too closely spaced together.
You don't understand the delicate balance of physics involved in this.
Well, that's true. This is more your generation's game...
whereas I came of age in the Parcheesi era.
So, I guess this is what we'd be like in our 70s?
No sex, and board games?
You're already thinking about your next birthday?
Seriously, kid.
You and me.
The early-bird special.
Yeah, save me a baked potato. I'll meet you there.
Are you okay?
Oh, my God. You're burning up. Here, come on, let's get you in bed.
Well, it's down to 101.
That's good to hear.
Right. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.
Okay, thank you so much, Doctor.
Well, he thinks you're gonna be fine.
- Is this washcloth still cold? - Yeah, that feels nice.
Good.
You're an angel, you know that?
No, I'm just doing my job.
I'm serious.
What are we doing?
I'm talking about us.
Life's too short.
What are we doing?
I don't know.
It took the best heart surgeon in New York...
but Big's heart was finally unblocked.
In fact, it was wide open.
The next morning, by the light of day, both injured parties were rebounding nicely.
Hi. Hey, Bubs.
- How was he? - Good. A little cranky when he woke up.
- That was funny, the other day. - Yeah. It was fun.
Wait, did you say it was fun or funny?
I said funny, I think. But I guess I meant fun.
Debbie seems really nice.
Thanks. I think so.
So, does Robert... Is it Rob or Robert?
He seems like a really good guy.
Hey, good morning, Steve. How's that nose? Hey, little guy.
Much better. I keep telling people that Debbie punched me.
She loves that.
Well, then, I'm out of here.
Later.
- Oh, my God, Charlotte! Hey there, hi there! - Good morning.
Heather Grayson told me she saw you at Dr. Mao's.
Didn't you love him?
You feel like a pin cushion, I know, but can't you feel it working?
Sort of.
Do you know Isabel Reed? Horrible woman, but she's got a great story.
She tried everything, and I mean everything, before she went to Dr. Mao.
Anyway, she started going four times a week, taking the herbs.
You have to take the herbs. Are you taking the herbs?
It turned out that Dr. Mao was a miracle-worker...
because in just two short sessions...
he taught Charlotte to block out all the New York noise she didn't need to hear.
Hey, how long have you been up?
Just a few minutes.
- How are you feeling? - Better.
I feel like myself again.
- Let's see. - I'm fine.
Excuse me.
It was a shift imperceptible to anyone but me.
But I knew Big's heart had closed again.
Maybe it would reopen in another five years, maybe it wouldn't.
But I knew myself well enough to know that that's not enough.
I'm going to order breakfast. What do you want?
Just get me some cornflakes and juice. Thanks.
For the first time all week, I didn't feel like crying.
Life's too short.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew